That Heaviness Again

The moment she woke, she felt bad, really bad. There was a very deep and penetrative heaviness in her head. Her head, her brain felt as if it was stuffed with a misty nothingness, as if she had drunk lots of alcohol and was not in control of her feelings and her body.
She felt sad, really terribly sad and that there was no way forward and nowhere to go.
She was alone but at the same time she was at home surrounded by her loving family.
There appeared a heaviness, a depression amidst the love.
Everyone seemed happy that day and that made her feel even worse, even more odd, even more different. She felt an overwhelming need to go away, alone, by herself and in her loneliness she was felt even more desperate for help. How could she explain the way she felt to those loving ones around her.
How could she describe the depth and despair of her thoughts and her actions.
No, there was no way forward and she knew she was alone.

Chriss had felt like this many times before, a number of years ago happened to be the last time that she had felt this bad. She was quiet, terribly quiet the whole day and she felt her head was fuzzy, crowded and it was almost as if she was hearing voices speaking to her 'you must go, you must not stay'.

Her heart was heavy, her head was heavy and she wanted to scream out for help but she knew she could not reveal herself, that would mean too much fuss, too much attention and much worry on the part of her family, her Peter. She quietly opened the front door, leading out of the house into the other part of the garden. This area was shingled and wide, a lovely driveway for the cars and it had a beautiful old Well which at one time was used by the workhouse and the old school. She did not know how deep it was as it was all filled in now, but one day she said to herself, she will find out. She was almost part of that old world which was gone now and she felt sad it had gone, but today everything was making her sad.

Slowly she opened the double wooden gates to the lane which was lying silent in an early morning mist, she could feel the dampness of the dew in the outside air a cool dampness with a smell of damp earth and a crispness that indicated the approach of winter. There was no frost, but there may as well have been, it was definitely cold enough for frost. She realised she did not know where she was wanting to go, her head could not cope with that....so she turned to her right and walked past the kitchen windows of the cottage, there was a heavy sadness in her head and heart and she knew she was in trouble not knowing what to do about it.

Chriss walked blindly up the misty lane, feeling the dampness settling on her hands and face she could barely see ahead, but soon the sun was to break through and follow her on her lonely walk.
She wanted to go far and did not want anyone to know where she was, she just wanted to walk and walk away further and further. The more she wanted to be alone, the more she realised she was not for the birds were making the most wonderful sound in the air around her and the little sparrows were twittering in the hedge by Mary's house. The speckled black turkeys were wondering out on the lane and making sounds at her as she walked her weary way. She felt her father was with her, her mother in law her father in law, her grandmother, her nanny, her grandfather, her poppy, her Uncle Jack her Uncle Herbie. The sky was with her, the cold was there biting into her hands and the tip of her nose, the evergreens were there, the cold sunshine was there and the beautiful red brick barn which she loved so much was still there. The barn was in her dream, she often stopped on her walks to look at it and smile at its quaint ancient architecture, its art, eminating its aura of happy times and warm sunshine and cider and apple trees, laughter and gaiety.

However, today Chriss did not feel that, she took a glancing look and carried on walking past, she did not feel its aura nor the aura of the trees around her, she did not sense the pleasant birdsong nor the sun trying to shine through the mist and she saw no beauty in her world. She just felt alone. Chriss walked for miles, past the old Georgian Farmhouse with the little waterhole rather common on Norfolk land and the sweet wild pond in front of house amidst tall trees which seemed to touch the low misty sky and the ducks and geese roaming freely across the lane. The cows in the shed and the sheep out on the fields seemed to look up at her and watch her as if they could sense something from her as she walked past. A dog barked in the distance, there was no sound of traffic, as there was not a busy road within 10 miles of where she was walking.
Now the weak sun was peering through at her, through the cool mist, all white and hazy as it surrounded her.
She was sad, she was crying, she was desperately alone.

Eventually she came across a wooden edged concrete area, where the farmers usually stored their hay bales during the autumn months, bale upon bale. Her legs were tired and she sat down, her body shaking with sobs and her heart aching with sadness and depression was upon her feeling like a misty thickness inside of her head. She could not think straight, she could not think what to do, so she just sat on the wooden rail for a good 30 minutes, watching the odd car drive by as she had reached the junction of the lane with the road. 'Perhaps I could walk to Edgefield' she thought. Even people in their cars seemed to look at her as if there was something wrong, so Chriss decided she must walk somewhere more private, where she could feel comfortable being alone.

Suddenly a car came down the lane towards her and as she strained her eyes to see through the misty sunsine she gratefully noticed it was Peter. He looked concerned as he drove closer to her lonely figure on the wooden rail next to the farmers concrete storage area.

Peter drove the car to her, and parked and got out. He walked towards Chriss and reached for her hand, 'where did you go' he asked her and his eyes told Chriss that he still loved her and wanted to help her get through this awful day.

Chriss put her head on his shoulder as he sat next to her and they said nothing more to each other. Chriss was shaking and wiping her eyes, and Peter looked at her 'let's go for a drive' he said gently to her. Chriss nodded 'it is that heaviness again' she said to him in a broken voice that sounded as broken as her heart. 'I know' Peter answered 'you have me and you are never alone' he said.

Although Chriss could not take that in, she took Peter's hand and they walked back to the car.
He opened the car door for her to step in, like the gentleman he was when she first met him all those years ago. He drove through the beautiful country lanes around where they lived for an hour or more, neither of them saying a word to each other. They simply took in the beauty around them which after a while made Chriss feel it was worth living through and that they were in one of the best places possible to suffer such depression and desolation, the beauty around them told her that there was more to life she need only just look. There was a beauty and a peace to be had in the little sparrows in the hedge, the distant dog barking in the cold morning air, the misty sunshine of that winter morning and the stillness of lane. The beauty of the sight of the barn owl they saw gliding down one of the lanes ahead of them, always just a few feet or so, close enough for them to see the eyes and shape of the head and the colours of the feathers on the wings. Her heart was still broken and she knew there was more of the heaviness to come.

Years later she was to think of these times in a time of a long process of healing and realise that she was never really alone and that as long as there was beauty around her, there was also life.
Whenever she saw a Barn Owl when she was driving out in the country lanes, her mind would wonder back to the day of heaviness and the lessons she had learned then.